Yes you can, just hold my hand

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 05:57:13 GMT

nose pierced.
summer school almost half done.
love new place, miss old ones.
home in 6 weeks.
new york in 7 weeks.
my mind is in ten thousand places.

edit:/
i have a new roommate starting in september. she is white and speaks english.
for those of you who don't understand why this is a phenomenon,
i'll tell you that everyone in washington is asian.
and my current roommate doesn't speak a lick of english.

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 07:37:50 GMT

i'm a terrible person.
i end up pushing people out of my life, like i have with most everyone from home.
and then those who i don't push out, push me out.
so in the end i am going to end up alone, probably like i should.
i wasn't aware asking to be someone's friend was too much to ask,
but maybe it is when the person asking is me.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 21:47:20 GMT

in an effort to pretend i'm not so lonely,
i spent way too much money.
i think it is a horrible idea that i live next to anthropologie, apple, barnes and noble, sephora...
visit me.

Mon, 08 May 2006 05:56:45 GMT

unbelievable excitement to ridiculous pain.
and i don't know if i'm ok.

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 21:24:55 GMT

i've never been someone who cares about what other people think,
but i also never realized how much i am disliked.
i really should have stayed in new york.

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 08:06:59 GMT

i was trying to explain falafel to people at work.
and now i can't help but NEED mamoun's. stat.

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 05:44:30 GMT

people are such fucking liars.
i hate my job.
i need to move out.
i need money.
and most of all, i need a stiff drink.

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 20:28:58 GMT

i am beginning to think that coming home was a really bad idea. a really really bad idea. i have not done anything fun since i have been back, i have not seen anyone i remotely wish to spend my free time with, i have less than $50 in my bank account and i am making shit at the job i spend what feels like all of my time at. i used to like working at fleming's, and now it is a hassle. i am the only person that actually shows up on time, the only one who shows up to all of their shifts and then some, the only one who seems to have to stay late when someone doesn't show up. and yet, i make less money than everyone else and am treated like a five year old that is going to screw everything up. the old men that eat there all hit on me when i open the door and this one server always calls me beautiful which bothers me more than it is a compliment. i have no motivation to find another job. because i keep telling myself i am only here for 3 more months. 3 more months is a hell of a long time. i was forced into buying a new car which i hate and the seat belt chokes me every time i brake. my ipod does not work in it either. i am almost dreading spring break, because it is not going to be a break for me, not that i am a student anyway. everyone requested off of work, which means i will be the substitute. i am supposed to go to tucson next week to check out apartments, but i'm trying to go to a baseball game instead. because that is how i feel about moving to tucson. i wish i could fast forward 2 months to find out if i will have the opportunity to go to washington because even though it would mean no job, no friends and unfamiliarity, it means a new start and a new chance to actually do something with my life..i really think i want to go to medical school and at this point my chances are sort of slim, so no friends, no job means more time to study and try to fix it. i'm not sure if getting another job would keep my mind off of everything and make the days go a little faster, or drive me further into crazy. the eye doctor thinks i may have ms. i need disneyland and the beach and thankyoumart and the gilmore girls and more than anything tivo. which my parents won't let me buy.

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 23:08:05 GMT

i am so ridiculously unhappy i could vomit.

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 04:22:55 GMT

and so begins my last week in new york.
at least both my teams are in the superbowl (sorry, linds).
so much to do, so little motivation.

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 04:53:59 GMT

i have been surgered and have a hole in my stomach.
i feel like hell.
seattle in 6 days.

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 04:40:05 GMT

transit strike study sleepover update:
not productive.
very tired.
i know as much biology as when i started.
32oz of raspberry iced tea snapple.
cookie party pending at 1am with med and lindsey.
t-minus 8.5 hours until my final.
strawberry cheesecake ice cream in freezer.
incoherency.

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 23:16:05 GMT

13 days until i get to come home.
whoever at nyu decided to have finals until the 23rd every year is an asshole. and the chemistry department is also an asshole for somehow agreeing to be scheduled for that day every year.
i just want to go home.
because finals pretty much make me want to vomit.
so far: 1 orgo exam down, 1 spanish presentation, 1 biology + lab final, 1 politics final, 1 orgo lab final, and 1 orgo final to go. plus 3 more days of class.
also, i wish i understood why my roommate can't follow simple directions, like turn off your heater during the day so that my apartment doesn't burn down.
blah sums up my mood as of right now. i'm not even unhappy, i'm just indifferent. somehow that may be worse.
finally, please hang out with me when i'm in phoenix even though you might have to drive out to gilbert (it's scenic and doesn't smell so much like cow anymore and is pretty much all highway, i promise). i'm always lonely in new york, so it would be nice to come home to love.

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 23:30:02 GMT

i could be really stressed out right now.
i have a spanish test tomorrow, and then a chemistry test on friday, and then a spanish presentation on monday and then finals starting on friday. my orgo lab unknown project is due on tuesday as well. but in all honesty i am not stressing. no i do not know anything about the chapters i need to know for my chemistry test, but i will figure it out.
i am studying for my spanish test, listening to david bowie, and making granola (which i have perfected now) and my roommate is gone and i am kind of content with it all. if i weren't horribly dizzy to the point of actually almost passing out, everything would be wonderful.
and eventhough things with boy have kind of developed into a weird mess because i couldn't leave well enough alone and i had to say what i was feeling, i guess i don't mind that either because things will turn out however they are supposed to turn out.
i have finished and submitted my ucsd application, 12 minutes before the deadline and using a combination of my washington essay and essays from ucsd application from high school. i think i am finally happy with my washington essay and will probably submit that soon. and i have a good feeling that i will get accepted. why? because i am smart and a good writer and nyu probably looks better than a community college.
i am sort of worried about my biology final, and yet i am not. why? because i can blame any poor grade that i receive on the ga strike. it is the dumbest and most inconvenient thing to grace the earth since, i don't know but something really inconvenient, but it probably is beneficial to all of the slackers at nyu. a lot of classes have been cancelled anyway. oh the politics of nyu.
i ran out of paper for my computer.
i have been singing a lot of fiona apple as of late.
it snowed late last night/this morning and it is pretty. and officially winter weather i think. although over thanksgiving it snowed and then was 60 degrees again. i kind of like the 60 better. also because my heat is kind of on the fritz becuase i don't know how to work a thermostat.
roommate is gone in a few weeks. for good.
oh life in college alone.

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 04:33:00 GMT

after over a week without my dearest ipod,
and a few tears shed over difficulties installing the NEW ipod apple had to give me,
ipod is back in business,
and i couldn't be happier about it.
in other news:
only 11 more days of actual class left, so maybe i'll go.
2 more exams and a presentation, then finals. gag me.
26 days until home!
then surgery, seattle, and one more semester and i'm home free and hopefully in seattle.
i'm surprisingly cheery. possibly because i am no longer moving from house to house of family members and constantly having to hug or kiss a relative. i remember why i like living in arizona.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 03:53:33 GMT

i officially don't know who i am anymore. i have spent my whole life wanting to grow up and leave home and be independent and go to college and be a doctor. now, all i want to do is go back to high school, go back home. i have always been too mature for my age and now it is just getting worse. at a time when i just want to have fun, i have to pay bills and take care of a house by myself all while taking a double science. and i really just can't handle it. next semester i am all by myself. not that my roommate participates in any aspect of living here, but it is weird to think that i will be living alone in new york.

i feel like i have been a horrible friend lately because i have been so wrapped up in how unhappy i am. but in this time, all i want is to have a friend. i know i can't be selfish to think that someone can just devote their time to making things better for me, but it is not like this is a permanent state. i can't explain what i'm feeling or why, but i am managing to ruin relationships with people over it. i should be happy that i finally stood up for myself with anthony and told him off, but at the same time it hurts to have such a strong friendship dissolve after such a long time. troy won't talk to me because i am always sad and i bring him down. i can't decide if i am selfish for thinking that he should be there because he cares about me and wants me to feel better or that he is selfish for not wanting to be there because it is not an ideal situation for him. maybe my definition of "friend" is different from others. or maybe i am just that awful to be around.

i wish i were going home for thanksgiving, because i could really use with seeing people there. because as much as we dont really keep in touch, whenever i go back, it's like no one ever left. and i was never really unhappy at mountain pointe because i always had the most amazing people to be around. that's not to say that i havent met good people here, but we tukee kids have been through a lot together. i'm anxious to get out of the city nevertheless, even if it is only to go to pennsylvania. at least i can see my parents. i feel so horrible for putting them through all of this. i begged for this apartment and not only has it become more of a hassle than it is worth, they are going to end up eating 3 months of rent and $2000 of furniture and then do it all over again whether i end up in tucson or seattle. god i'm so spoiled. and i don't even deserve any of it.

my world consists of biology and organic chemistry and around exam time i have to through in american politics and spanish. and that is it. i no longer have anything that i love. no dance, no theater, no singing. and i'm sure i could easily get involved with theater or a choir here, but it just wouldn't be the same..nyu kids are so damn pretenious (well some of them..i'd say mostly those that aren't in tisch that do artsy things because they think they are soo well rounded). and i'm so afraid of getting involved with something, ending up loving it and not having time for all of this school stuff. because i have to get good grades this semester, even though it is pretty much impossible. i promised my dad and i promised myself and it just isn't going to work out. i'm not cut out for this whole private education thing and i'm probably not cut our for med school.

and then all of this ties into me growing up too fast. i don't know why i can't just live in the present instead of always having to look into the future, preparing for the future, and what if my future doesn't work out?

i got hit on in the subway this weekend. again. i have to wonder what it is about me that is so appealing to gross guys in underground transportation tunnels or those working on buildings on the street or those who live on the street, but that doesn't work for a decent man. what about an overweight blond girl with bangs listening to an ipod attracts those kind of guys?

i think i pinched a nerve in my shoulder. and my back has been killing me because i think that my spine has officially given out on holding up my giant boobs. oh yeah, and i have stopped getting my period but am not pregnant, so ept tells me.

so i am pretty sure that i need to continue to draw stupid pictures to get my mind off of things..that was one of the only nights as of late where i have smiled so much. until seattle decided i was no longer welcome because i'm boring and from pennsylvania. i know i am looking forward to my trip up there in january, but i guess i won't be watching "babe" with my attractive blonde emo friend in his dorm room.

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 23:41:38 GMT

i officially no longer feel obliged to participate in unrequited kindness.
fuck anyone that has taken advantage of my big heart,
but trust me, it won't happen again.

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 05:14:05 GMT

this flamingo is a post man.

and this is a myriad of animals and a robot. and some acorns. because troy asked me to draw it or else we couldn't speak.

4 exams in the over the next 2 weeks..and i drew these instead.
i am obviously horribly productive.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 03:49:31 GMT

i didn't really think my conversation with anthony bothered me...
until about 10 shots later.
and i realize that it is really probably more true than i would like to believe.
i also realize how important it is for me to leave and have a fresh start.
i have spent 7 years of my life being put down by the same man,
always having one flaw or another pointed out to me.
he thought that it would make me want to be better, to change those things about myself.
but really, it just made me aware of the things that i really can't change.
i need a change of pace.
and i keep dwelling on this fact, and i'm sitting with my washington application essay trying to make it compelling and intellectual and persuasive and yet still me, and i can't make it that way.
i want to get out so bad, but i can't seem to come through in my writing. i have never been able to sell myself, and now is a time when it is so important to my well being to do so, and i still don't have the words.
they ask for a compelling reason for their university to accept you...is pulling a once really happy girl out of a very dark hole a good one?
because to me, i just sounds desperate.

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 04:02:36 GMT

officially:
having surgery after christmas.
going to to visit seattle, boy in january.
ridiculously smitten with boy, seattle.
not doing well in school, but internally motivated to fix it.
too damn cold in new york.
ready to come home again. (ps. you better come visit me in my post-surgical bed)
real excited for harry potter.
calmed down from last week's breakdown.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 03:25:27 GMT

i had a lovely weekend at home,
and i was enjoying my weekend until i got home.
to find remnants of a party, which wouldn't be a problem if i didn't find
a boy's shirt in my room.
and that my roommate used my computer without asking.
i feel like i'm overreacting.
but it is my space and i would NEVER go in his room with the shut door.
and apparently have naked boys in his room.
i hate this situation.
i wanted to go home before, but now...it's necessary.

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 02:45:21 GMT

maybe it's the weather,
maybe it's my dirty apartment and empty refrigerator,
but i can't wait to go home,
and i don't really want to come back.
i'm not doing so well. at all.
i need something to keep me busy besides school.

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 01:16:42 GMT

unprepared for biology midterm in like 16 hours.
need sleep.
he attempted to be friendly with me today. fuck that.
it's impossible to study when you are pissed.
i am home in 6 days and they couldn't come faster.

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 03:35:58 GMT

i'm all for scientific advancement,
but i would never save the blood from my baby's umbilical cord.
of course, this is contingent on me having a baby,
so this story does not apply to me.
umbilical cords remind me of any number can die, when chelsea and dc were tied together with a rope.
ps: i'm sorry for that.

in other news,
i have been thrown away and am no longer important after 7 years.
i have a biology exam on friday and i can't bring myself to read.
I AM HOME IN 12 DAYS! which is good because i miss home and you like crazy. yes, you.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 19:29:52 GMT

the man sitting across from me on the subway on the way to school this morning drew a picture of me.
rather creepy.
as much as i like someone staring at me for 3 stops, i really don't.
that will teach me to skip my first two classes.

edit: it's funny how creepy drawing man was the least shitty part of my day.
i shouldn't have jinxed it.